Its Okay

It is a new feeling.
Regrowth, realization.
Being uncertain and taking baby steps in a new direction.
I've never felt completely alone in a room before.
and its Invigorating and Disheartening.
But I am opening up and blooming.
I am a lilypad and a lilac bush and an autumn leaf.
I am warm and safe and loved.
I am confused and growing and awkward.
And
Its Okay.

Want

I want him
I want him so much it feels dangerous,
And every time I look in his eyes it burns
But when I manage to hold his gaze
Time is suspended
On thin, steel threads
Above a chasm i'm not so sure
I wouldn't want to fall into with him


Poison: Want

1day

We are a sad and sorry race
We either adore love or despise it
For how could creatures such as we
Compromise our passions?
The breaths we took together
Clatter in the empty cavities pocketing my skeleton
Stale and hard to swallow,
The ugly truth in my bathroom mirror
The novocaine produced by an active mind
Is blissful

I would give my heart and soul to have you back
And my unraveling mind to keep you away
I would give my eyes and ears to open yours
Or maybe seal them shut
I would give my tongue to hear you speak one more time
I would give my life to keep you silent

It would be so easy to be angry
It would be so easy to fein angelic-ness
It would be so easy to shut myself away
If only it was as easy to move on

Oh, what I would give to forget...
Nothing.

And the worst part is that he doesn't know
And the best part is that he never will
And the truth is that it kills me.

Time carries you away.

1day you'll grow up
1day you'll be ready for love
1day you'll find it
1day will be perfect...

1day,
Was yesterday
And the hell I'm in now,
Well,
thats why its called

2day.

Its my poison.

You

It hurts.
It hurt it hurts it hurts.
Why?
Because he's not you.

Pick your poison.
Mine is,
And always will be,

You.

Moving On

Waking up and living
Everyday is like waiting
For a panic attack of your love to strike
A bolt of lightning from the past to hit
Somedays and maybes weren't ever enough for me
Laters and tomorrows never cut it
His bullshit workaholic ways just hurt
But your promises
Your questions and interests
They're always more than enough
And when I fall deeper in Love with you
I fall deeper in Love with Us
I'll always be the first and last to admit
That sometimes the tomorrows and maybes,
I miss them
But I'll always be the first and last to reassure you
That I would miss this time
Here with you
Most of all
Moving on is difficult
Every minute tearing at my heart
But you are always there to apply bandages
Kisses and comfort
But most of all perfect understanding
And while you don't think I'm looking
I study your face
And wonder how you became so perfectly you
With all of life's obstacles in the way.

Pick your poison: Wonderment

Time

It slips by
Sliding, slithering, rushing and roaring
Swallowing us up and spitting us out
Leaving some broken and washed out
Some bewildered and clinging to what cannot ever be again
And some it sweeps up gently, carrying them along
Until they reach their predestinations
I've tried moving on
Going with the flow
I was drug to the bottom and held there
Screaming for relief and clawing towards the top
Skin feels like its about to burst
You wish it would
So you could disintegrate into a thousand fragments
Be swirled away forever
The worst time
Is the time in your head
The things that wont leave
That wont break down
That wont keep quiet
It doesn't sweep away
Rushing and roaring and frightening
It fills up your head
Your body
Your heart
And finally your soul
Being heavy with time,
Like lead
Sandbagging you from the rest of the world
Until all you can see
All you hear, taste, touch, feel
Is too much Time

Pick your poison.
Today, it's Time.

Power

I know what I am
I know that I am
A cyclone
A hurricane
A terrifying force
Out of control and unstoppable
Is it such a bad thing?
Is it such a good thing?
I'll sweep you off your feet
Drop you from a height of a thousand feet
Maybe you'll lie broken at the bottom
Of a chasm we dug together
Maybe you'll find yourself dangling from
A twisted lifeline
And secretly, we both pray that you'll make it to safety
You would think I never look back
And I don't
Not because I'm heartless
Not because I don't know better
Not because I don't want to
Just because I know I shouldn't
Because I know that we can only take pain
And forgive it
Forget it
Rebuild and that is what will make us strong
That is the only thing that can
I do not ask if you can forgive me
I ask only if you will
In your own time in your own way
I wonder if you will have the courage
To make yourself strong
To become a cyclone of your own
Is that why I am here?
To break, to destroy, to strengthen?
Whatever you call it
It is what it is
And I am what I am
Life can be frightening
And all we can do is show it that we are not.
We are all assigned tasks
Is this mine?
To be benevolent through havoc-wreaking?
If so I believe it to be a poor one.
I do not look back
Ever
But sometimes
For you
I do

Pick your poison. Mine is Power.

Innocence

I feel old today
Like i have seen every facet
Of a crystalline, crumbling waterfall
Of a world
Like I have finally outrun
The stampede of regrets trailing behind me
I have tasted
The bitterest drop of hate
And been seared
By the blaze of deep passion
I have felt rain approaching in my bones
And counted my precious mercies
I have laughed, loved, and lost
Succeeded, failed, and wept
Been shattered and confused
Heavey as lead
As injuring to others as acid
I have felt compassion i still do not understand
Lifted up a broken sparrow of a child
A light breath on water
A ripple in my own Life Pool
And I Wonder
What else can there possibly be to Life
After 16 years

Pick your Poison.
Mine is Innocence.

Strength

I have a question for you
Do you love me?
Then why did you try to take yourself away
from me
Forever?
Do you think I could live
Alone?
What were you thinking?
And they didn't even tell me
When it happened
When they found you lying there
She slipped up
And had to rake my heart with coals
Expose me to the blistering truth
Because of extenuating circumstances
Thank God for them
I'm mad. I'm scared.
I want to run far away and hold u close
I want to yell and scream at you
I want to cry and turn away from you
I want to break into a million pieces
Because I taught myself to be strong for your sake
And you fell apart when I needed you to be strong for me
I know people are allowed to break
But I can't put you back together
Not today
Not right now
All I can do
Is hold onto you as tightly as i can
And pray that I keep myself together.

Today's poison: Strength

Acceptance

I've found that growing Old is inevitable
They say that Youth always believes
That it is Older than its years
Perhaps it is
I've found that wisdom comes in the form of Silence
Cold and distant and unbroachable
And Resignation in empty mailboxes
In phones that don't ring
Deep Love runs in the marrow of Self-Sacrifice
At the heart of Misunderstanding
At the end of Forgiveness
I found wrinkles in the corners of my soul today
Silver hair in the head of my Beliefs
My heart leans on a cane
Wracked with sobs disguised as coughing
I am made Old by Experience, by Time
I am a Woman through Misery and Justice
I was made Humble by Realization


Today's Poison is Acceptance
Drink it on down

Beauty

Its found in burning skin
Blended shades of view
Barefoot walks
And tarnished pennies
Shattered glass and poison thoughts
Laughter and scraped knees
High fives and bruised eyes
Located at the top of your closet
The dust mites circling silently
Broken machinery
Packed away aspirations
Disasters and
The aftermath
Violent passion
Erratic heartbeats
Crocodile tears
Crumpled, burned letters
Photographs with features scratched out
A cry of rage and loss ripping
From a raw throat
Find it in the tearless eyes
Of a bitter personage

Can you see through the Glamour?
It is not what it seems.
It is more, it is less.
Priceless, Worthless, Beautiful?

And this is what he's fighting for...

Today, my poison is
Beauty.

Patience

I heard demons faintly screaming
I felt the acid in my bones
Dry up
The resin leaking through my skin
Unraveling like cheap yarn
Crumbling
As a cork stopper does in water
Fermenting
Like sour lemonade
I faded like lavender
Drying in the sun
Shriveling into a fearsome shape
Sweet and twisted
I was the parched dust on your lips
Then again,
I was the bitter taste of Truth
I will be the Echo
Of Disappointment
The Broken
Reality
A Lovely
Letdown
The Eye
Of the Storm

All yours.

Then I
Woke up
Washed away the fear
Went to church
Looked up at my Savior
And could not find the words
To ask
Drove home
Went to work
All in a grim
Grey
Concrete heavy
Facade of Strength

Pick your Poison.
Today, Mine is Patience.

Letters

letters from you
the first came today
printed in ink
on a small paper sheet
Columbia, SC
was stamped cruelly across
reminding me
i flew back to the house
hands shaking
tore open the envelope
a precise line
there wasnt enough paper
or near enough words
but each one that was there
went straight to my heart
words that had never
meant anything before
like
battalion
reception
Basic Combat Training
suddenly and violently
had new meaning
so did words like
i
miss
you
and words like
i
love
you
and hope had new meaning too
because of sentences like
i'll write every night
and
i'll see you soon
and then i was ashamed
ashamed of not being
your brave and patient
kind and accepting
little woman

letters from you
they wont come often enough
they wont be long enough
but they'll still come

avoiding the problem

get away
you're too close
what if i cant love you?
get away
i need to breath
what if you cant love me?
get away
dont look at me
crying isnt brave
get away
youre too far away
i might as well let you go
get away
im damaged and lost
i cant even help myself
get away
i hate myself so much
im choking on the excess
get away
i cant love you
the way you deserve
get away
before i change my mind
get away
its better this way
get away
i want you...
to turn your back on me
get away
i need to feel this pain
its the only thing thats real
get away
i cant deal with this
i dont want to
get away
because i told you to
because i want to hurt you
get away
because im dangerous
because im impulsive
get away
you will change
you will forget
get away
there are so many reasons
are any of them good ones?
get away
i dont know what i want
i dont feel like a hero
get away
because youre not here
to get away from me
get away
because i am afraid
because i am not strong
get away
because i am twisted
because i am wrong
get away
just get away

An Introduction

I am what I am.
I cannot be what I am not.
I am not what I seem.
I am a masterpiece.
I am nothing special at all.

I.
Am.
I.

And I am picking my poison.